Friday the 13th
I anxiously waited until I was out of my 1st trimester to announce that Marquis and I were expecting a new addition to our family. At 19 weeks and 1 day I had a miscarriage.I don't think I've healed at completely yet. At the time I originally started detailing this post it had only been hours but writing has always been therapeutic to me. It's part of my healing process and I'd like to share it because you don't read about miscarriages too often. We all know it happens but never the story, just the sadness or the happiness after successfully conceiving after a miscarriage.
I for the most part had a natural miscarriage at home. I did go to the hospital at first but after no fetal heartbeat was detected or movement via ultrasound I was sent home. It was Friday March 13, 2015. I was given a prescription for pain should I need it and instructed to see my OB the following Monday. Saturday was a fairly pleasant day. I wanted to stay in bed all day but Marquis encouraged me to stick to our plans of family grocery shopping. I grabbed a towel to take along just in case. The sun was shining and there was a cool breeze. I felt good, peaceful. That was until we got to Target; you know the national pregnant woman's mecca across 50 states. I became more upset with every approaching baby bump. Throw in the babbles of newborns and it almost knocked every breath out of me. All of a sudden I felt like I was kicked out of the coolest club around. Every glowing face with a protruding belly was giving me a #nonewfriends and I wanted to breakdown and cry. I was so in and out of myself the rest of the day. I can't even remember what we had for dinner. I don't know what time we went to bed.
However, I woke up at 12:30a with mild back pain. I'd say it was the onset of back labor. I went to the bathroom. The cramping was beyond intense. I sat on the toilet and nothing much happened. I couldn't feel anything below so I wiped up.I was just getting over being sick with a cold and I coughed. That is when what was left of the sac burst; it might have been 3 tablespoons of liquid if that and somehow it still managed to land an all three bathroom mats and totally miss the toilet. I made my way back to the room to tell Marquis. He got up and cleaned the bathroom and gathered the mats and put them to wash as I continued to labor in bed. It went from dull to intense and back again.
Up at 8a for another bathroom trip and I felt something and a sharp pain. I suddenly felt something slipping out of me as I sat there. I used my cellphone to call Marquis so I wouldn't wake the kids (yes, I take my cell phone to the bathroom sometimes). He ran in and confirmed that it was our baby. He cut the umbilical cord and placed our baby in a container. Our baby was a girl. Marquis helped me clean up after passing a few clots. I was thinking that it must have been broken down placenta. We sat on the bed and thought about how we wanted to remember our baby girl. Simply flushing her down the toilet was not an option and seemed wrong. I looked at the belly casting kit and thought about how to use it. Then we thought about burying her in the yard but we are currently renting and the thought of leaving her behind when we eventually move was sad. I did like the idea of our baby nourishing something we could watch grow. So despite the pain I got dressed and we headed to Home Depot and spent over an hour contemplating bushes, flowers, shrubs and trees. We settled on a beautiful hibiscus. Next we picked a beautiful pot with pace to transfer and re-pot, soil and fertilizer. When we got home the kids were just waking up and I told them the news. They got dressed and ate breakfast while Marquis and I said goodbye and buried our daughter under a beautiful bloom. The kids cleaned off and dusted a table because they wanted her to be inside with the family. They positioned the table for maximum lighting. I was in awe of their thought process and attention to detail. I retreated to the bathroom to cry. I checked on my flow and for discharge. It was fairly slow and pain had subsided. I urged Marquis to go to work to go to work since I'd just be lying in bed.
No sooner then he left a dull back pain started. A trip to the bathroom led to the discovery that the placenta had never passed as the rest of the umbilical cord which could be seen and felt. Clots could pass by the placenta. I knew the clots would keep forming and passing until the placenta was delivered so I tried a gentle but firm tug to no avail. Then contacted my dear friend who suggested squatting and coughing. I tried and tried but no placenta. I retreated to bed. What felt like back labor started again but after a couple of hours and no placenta it was time to go to the hospital. I called my best friend to watch my kids and take me to the Emergency Room. I checked in and called Marquis to update him. He prepped to leave work and join me. The pain increased. I wanted to go to the restroom but I was sitting next to two young girls no older than 4 years old seated with their grandmother. I didn't want to get up and scare them with the blood I presumed would be present on the towel I bought to sit on. Their grandmother looked over and noticed my distress. I quietly explained my predicament and she engaged them in a book. I quickly hovered above the seat to check and once I saw I was okay I zipped my jacket at my hips, picked up my bag and made a dash for the bathroom. As soon as the door shut behind me there was a gush of blood at my feet. I stared down and was glad I opted for flip-flops but I couldn't move. I was frozen. I managed to pull the cord on the wall for assistance and a nurse came. Clearly she was used to this in some way and asks if I need a pad?! She was gone and back within seconds. She insisted on staying in the bathroom with me which was embarrassing because suddenly I felt like I needed to have a bowel movement. I laughed for a moment before telling her and she said she was used to it. I passed gas and thank goodness it was odorless! However, I could feel something. I grabbed my phone and used my camera so I could see what was the placenta dislodging. I told the nurse and she went to get a specimen cup. The placenta dislodged completely before her return. She was followed by a second nurse with a wheelchair. I stood up when I heard Marquis outside the door and nearly fainted. The second nurse opted to swap the chair for a gurney and I was rushed to a room and greeted by more nurses and a doctor. I was checked to make sure I was okay; pulse, respiratory rate, temperature, and oxygen level. I had lost a lot of blood and was given lots of fluids before being discharged.
I remember when I was in doula training and we had an assignment to draw a picture of our perfect birth. I drew a picture of what I thought would be a perfect home birth, quiet, clean, candle lit, water pool, Marquis by my side assisting me. I had a home experience that is for sure. I expected that if I had a beautiful home birth I'd be holding our child in my arms afterwards, breastfeeding for the first time, having the babies first photo session with Marquis' arms around us both. My home birth wasn't picture perfect by any means. I wouldn't want anybodies picture to be the experience I had. In a way I an thankful for the experience. It allowed me to feel. To be in the moment of what my body was going through. It showed me how strong I am, and could be. It showed me how strong Marquis could be.
I am proud of myself for realizing when I needed to go to the hospital. I am proud of my children for their attention, care and love through the process. I'm proud of Marquis for being the most amazing loving and supportive partner. He made a great coach. He was strong yet gentle and allowed me to listen to my body. We are truly blessed despite our lose.
I for the most part had a natural miscarriage at home. I did go to the hospital at first but after no fetal heartbeat was detected or movement via ultrasound I was sent home. It was Friday March 13, 2015. I was given a prescription for pain should I need it and instructed to see my OB the following Monday. Saturday was a fairly pleasant day. I wanted to stay in bed all day but Marquis encouraged me to stick to our plans of family grocery shopping. I grabbed a towel to take along just in case. The sun was shining and there was a cool breeze. I felt good, peaceful. That was until we got to Target; you know the national pregnant woman's mecca across 50 states. I became more upset with every approaching baby bump. Throw in the babbles of newborns and it almost knocked every breath out of me. All of a sudden I felt like I was kicked out of the coolest club around. Every glowing face with a protruding belly was giving me a #nonewfriends and I wanted to breakdown and cry. I was so in and out of myself the rest of the day. I can't even remember what we had for dinner. I don't know what time we went to bed.
However, I woke up at 12:30a with mild back pain. I'd say it was the onset of back labor. I went to the bathroom. The cramping was beyond intense. I sat on the toilet and nothing much happened. I couldn't feel anything below so I wiped up.I was just getting over being sick with a cold and I coughed. That is when what was left of the sac burst; it might have been 3 tablespoons of liquid if that and somehow it still managed to land an all three bathroom mats and totally miss the toilet. I made my way back to the room to tell Marquis. He got up and cleaned the bathroom and gathered the mats and put them to wash as I continued to labor in bed. It went from dull to intense and back again.
Up at 8a for another bathroom trip and I felt something and a sharp pain. I suddenly felt something slipping out of me as I sat there. I used my cellphone to call Marquis so I wouldn't wake the kids (yes, I take my cell phone to the bathroom sometimes). He ran in and confirmed that it was our baby. He cut the umbilical cord and placed our baby in a container. Our baby was a girl. Marquis helped me clean up after passing a few clots. I was thinking that it must have been broken down placenta. We sat on the bed and thought about how we wanted to remember our baby girl. Simply flushing her down the toilet was not an option and seemed wrong. I looked at the belly casting kit and thought about how to use it. Then we thought about burying her in the yard but we are currently renting and the thought of leaving her behind when we eventually move was sad. I did like the idea of our baby nourishing something we could watch grow. So despite the pain I got dressed and we headed to Home Depot and spent over an hour contemplating bushes, flowers, shrubs and trees. We settled on a beautiful hibiscus. Next we picked a beautiful pot with pace to transfer and re-pot, soil and fertilizer. When we got home the kids were just waking up and I told them the news. They got dressed and ate breakfast while Marquis and I said goodbye and buried our daughter under a beautiful bloom. The kids cleaned off and dusted a table because they wanted her to be inside with the family. They positioned the table for maximum lighting. I was in awe of their thought process and attention to detail. I retreated to the bathroom to cry. I checked on my flow and for discharge. It was fairly slow and pain had subsided. I urged Marquis to go to work to go to work since I'd just be lying in bed.
No sooner then he left a dull back pain started. A trip to the bathroom led to the discovery that the placenta had never passed as the rest of the umbilical cord which could be seen and felt. Clots could pass by the placenta. I knew the clots would keep forming and passing until the placenta was delivered so I tried a gentle but firm tug to no avail. Then contacted my dear friend who suggested squatting and coughing. I tried and tried but no placenta. I retreated to bed. What felt like back labor started again but after a couple of hours and no placenta it was time to go to the hospital. I called my best friend to watch my kids and take me to the Emergency Room. I checked in and called Marquis to update him. He prepped to leave work and join me. The pain increased. I wanted to go to the restroom but I was sitting next to two young girls no older than 4 years old seated with their grandmother. I didn't want to get up and scare them with the blood I presumed would be present on the towel I bought to sit on. Their grandmother looked over and noticed my distress. I quietly explained my predicament and she engaged them in a book. I quickly hovered above the seat to check and once I saw I was okay I zipped my jacket at my hips, picked up my bag and made a dash for the bathroom. As soon as the door shut behind me there was a gush of blood at my feet. I stared down and was glad I opted for flip-flops but I couldn't move. I was frozen. I managed to pull the cord on the wall for assistance and a nurse came. Clearly she was used to this in some way and asks if I need a pad?! She was gone and back within seconds. She insisted on staying in the bathroom with me which was embarrassing because suddenly I felt like I needed to have a bowel movement. I laughed for a moment before telling her and she said she was used to it. I passed gas and thank goodness it was odorless! However, I could feel something. I grabbed my phone and used my camera so I could see what was the placenta dislodging. I told the nurse and she went to get a specimen cup. The placenta dislodged completely before her return. She was followed by a second nurse with a wheelchair. I stood up when I heard Marquis outside the door and nearly fainted. The second nurse opted to swap the chair for a gurney and I was rushed to a room and greeted by more nurses and a doctor. I was checked to make sure I was okay; pulse, respiratory rate, temperature, and oxygen level. I had lost a lot of blood and was given lots of fluids before being discharged.
I remember when I was in doula training and we had an assignment to draw a picture of our perfect birth. I drew a picture of what I thought would be a perfect home birth, quiet, clean, candle lit, water pool, Marquis by my side assisting me. I had a home experience that is for sure. I expected that if I had a beautiful home birth I'd be holding our child in my arms afterwards, breastfeeding for the first time, having the babies first photo session with Marquis' arms around us both. My home birth wasn't picture perfect by any means. I wouldn't want anybodies picture to be the experience I had. In a way I an thankful for the experience. It allowed me to feel. To be in the moment of what my body was going through. It showed me how strong I am, and could be. It showed me how strong Marquis could be.
I am proud of myself for realizing when I needed to go to the hospital. I am proud of my children for their attention, care and love through the process. I'm proud of Marquis for being the most amazing loving and supportive partner. He made a great coach. He was strong yet gentle and allowed me to listen to my body. We are truly blessed despite our lose.
Hey! you should blog more....
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